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13 Aug

All bands end in tantrums, tears and bitter acrimony. That said, it can be very helpful to have a partner, someone who you can bounce ideas off and vice versa. that you will convince the largest cross section of the British public to go out and buy your record.

Spend the remainder of the morning amassing the rest of the tools you will need for the job in hand. A record player (the crappier the better as long as it actually works). A hard back note book and a fine point, black ball Pentel.

Mass appeal records can always transcend any apparatus they are played on; the exp ensive set up is only for judging coffee table records. Copies of the latest in the series of “Now That’s What I Call Music” and “Hits” LPs. A couple of the most recent dance compilation LPs (“The Techno Sounds of Dagenham Volume Vl”, etc.). All the 7″ singles in your house that ever made the Top 5. Address your envelope to: Sylvia Calver, Morgan Grampian Plc, Royal Sovereign House, 40 Beresford Street, London SE18 6BQ (telephone 01-854-2200) with a cheque or postal order for £15.00. If you do not already have any of the above, or are unable to borrow them, then we are afraid you are going to have to spend some real cash.

Sitting around tinkering with the Portastudio or musical gear (either ancient or modern) just complicates and distracts you from the main objective.

Even worse than being a musician is being a musician in a band.

It is you, though, who will be responsible for bringing back those lost tastes, smells, tears, pangs, forgotten years and missed chances. People equate a Number One with fame, endless wealth and easy sex – a myth that they want to believe and one that the popular press want to see continued. In years to come people will stagger home down lonely streets singing your song to the strains of regurgitated vindaloo, all memory of who was behind the song lost.The myth of a band being gang of lads out “against” the world (read as “to change”, “to shag” or “to save the world”) is pure wishful thinking to keep us all buying the records and reading the journals. Any more than two of you and factions develop and you may as well be in politics. Remember, Top of the Pops is all powerful and has outlasted all the greats (Cliff being the exception to the rule). ” outsider stance only gets you so far and even then takes sodden years and ends up with you alienating vast chunks of the Great British public who don’t want to be confronted with Jim Reid’s skin problem on a Thursday evening.Mind you, it’s a myth that many band members want to believe themselves. There is no place for the nostalgia of the four lads who shook the world or the last gang in town. I repeat, take Top of the Pops to your bosom and learn to love the platform that matters the most.Real bands never get to Number One – unless they are puppets.If you are in a band you will undoubtedly be aware of the petty squabbles and bitching that develops within them.